Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
