Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
