i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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