i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
