finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
