she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
