Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My dick has a subreddit
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
