Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
