Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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