So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
