Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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