Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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