Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
