Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
