This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
