Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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