Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
