Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
