Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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