I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
