We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
