my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
