I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
