I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
