the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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