its not stalking. its research.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
