some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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