Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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