Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
