I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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