is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
