dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
