my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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