so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
