there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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