I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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