Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
