those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
