i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
