Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
