I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
