I want to have your abortion
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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