A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
