I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
