Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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