I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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