I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
