I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he wants to bone in the snuggie
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
