Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize