I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
