thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
