you traded sex for a burrito?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
