so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
then he tried to convert me to islam
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
