My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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