So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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