Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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