Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
