so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
