Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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