the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
