The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I supernannyed him into submission
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
