when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
