Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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