After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
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