How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
They have beer where we have blood.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
