my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
