totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
